Barely Whispering

im on emotion overload and i love it!!! i have a feeling 2008 is gonna be a great year. i have my summer planned, my best friends wedding and im sure so much more. i can't wait....

i really don't know what else could possibly go wrong this semester. I really don't. They say that you can't go anywhere but up from the lowest point right? Well, when do you know that it's the lowest point. This year has just been really bad and I feel like no matter what I do....it just can't get better. People no longer want to give me the time of day...go figure. I don't want to be miserably. I want to be the happy person I know I can be. But I guess that's proving a little hard when the people you care about the most aren't talking to you and if they do it's like meeting them all over again. It's like its the first time you tried to strike up a conversation with them. It really actually hurts. I'm getting tired of putting on my brave face. I want to be brave and happy and not have to put on an act. I just want things to get better.

One month and 7 days till I go home... that's pretty much the only thing that makes me happy right now....go figure...the one thing that I was trying to run away from this summer is the only thing that is making remotely happy.

Isn't great how everything tends to fall apart because of one word. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like in losing one friend I've lost them all. Not to say that I don't have others but I guess its a hard adjustment to go from all the time with the same group of people to not one of them. It literally feels like everything in my life is crumbling down upon me. I know that the words that I spoke were wrong but I can't take them back and to be honest I'm not ready to apologize even though I was the one that did wrong this time around. I know that I'm not perfect and that I blunder sometimes. I just don't know what to do to make all the other ones feel differently. I don't know.... it really just feels like they all hate me. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm hurt, angry, but most of all I'm lost. I always hold the belief that everything happens for a reason and that I was perhaps not meant to be friends with all of them. That they were just supposed to come into my life and teach me how to go about certain things and how to move on. But I guess that in present time thats a hard task to achieve when all i feel right now is emptiness. I know that I will feel like this for a while. Simply because it feels like all those that I have cared so much about for the past couple of years are now my sworn enemies...which quite frankly is the farthest thing that I have ever wanted. I really do feel like I have no one. And this just makes me want to go home and not come back. But then I don't want to run away and I don't want to have to start over. I do have bonds here, strong ones. I just wish that some of the old ones still remained, but we can't always get what we want or what we wish for. I know that I have to live with the things that have happened and I plan to. I just hope that it gets better as things go on.

Sooooo. Today was my birthday. And I truly have to say that my family surprised me. It was amazing compared to the past 3 yrs. It was great. It might not seem like it was to others but to me it was just right. Let's see...I woke up this morning got a Happy Birthday from my little sister as she left. I rolled over and went bak to bed lol. When, I woke up for real, I looked to the living rooma and saw some stuff on the couch. It was my gifts. There was a rug that i had been wanting. :-D and then there were two cards and a tinkerbell night light. **you know that i had to get a tinkerbell something, it wouldn't be my birthday**. Anywho, so after that I went to go get ready. I had decided that I was gonna get dressed all pretty for me cuz it was my day. After that, we went to go get mom. Mom wanted to stop at the supermarket, where I got to pick you my cake **it was delicious**. We came back home and I spent the better part of the day just chillen. Around 4 my brother IMs me and asks me what we are doing for dinner and I said I dunno. Nothing from what I know. He goes well we should. Tell your Dad and Mom that we are. And you Pick where you want to go. I was like uh ok. SOooo. I picked a great place. Joe's Crab Shack. Got shrimp and crab. it was yummy. We came home and cut my cake. It has been prob. one of the best b-days in a long time. :-D OOOH and thanks to all those that wished me bday wishes and congrats. Thanks so much means a lot to me!

ever feel like you just need to let go of things but they seem to have a way of following you around. it seems like the hardest thing to do is let go and yet when you do, it hits you in the face everytime you turn the corner. i dont know maybe im just trying to find logic where it doens't exist. what i do know though is that i wouldn't change the feelings that the problems in my life have caused me. they tend to teach me things that i use later on to prevent the same things from happening twice. and i have some pretty amazing friends that help me get through some not so easy times, even though sometimes they are the causes. ha i still love them anyway. they all seem to have this air about them they each bring in a vital part to the mix. i guess when they say that those who come into your life are meant to for a reason they mean it. i love saying that i have people that care about me. i dont know where or who i would be without them. its a pretty amazing thing to think about how things have changed so much over the last couple of years. people, places, friends but no matter what, we manage to stay a float. i like that. maybe thats just the way life is supposed to be. its supposed to make you think and act so that you learn. i think i like that too. but you know what i like the most, that when you try to run away from your problems and friends they are one of those things that seem to follow you and hit you in the face everytime you turn the corner. maybe then its not such a bad thing.

Sometimes I wonder if I am gonna make it. Or if the little things in life are finally going to pull me under. I've learend a lot this past year, but I know that the one thing I need to work on is, letting things go. I can't understand why I can't let go. I feel like my grip on my friends, work,money,everything is slipping away. Like I can't hold on to it and if I don't then I will lose everything near and dear to my heart. My heart is breaking a little everyday. I know that I shouldn't let the things that bother me, bother me, but I just can't let them go. I don't know what to do. I just want this to be easy and I know that its not going to be.

I guess only time will tell